tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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