When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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