I could have mohawked her pubes.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
