The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
