just come out here and I will go home with you...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We are all done wearing pants today
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
