After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
