you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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