I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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