I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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