i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
