her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
