i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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