I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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