So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
the raccoons are back...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
