a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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