Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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