my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
sarcasm needs its own font
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
