Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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