I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
