nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
