i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
