My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
