I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
