this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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