I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
