Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
