My Higher Power is John Stamos
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
