Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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