when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
