he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
