There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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