He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
