His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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