Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
