I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
