the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
