He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize