the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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