John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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