I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
do herpes really smell.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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