I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
