my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
