I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
