took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.