4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go