just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.