I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
