Will you blow on my dice?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
