I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
