you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
