I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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