Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
