All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
