i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
