I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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