she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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