Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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