im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
