dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
