You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
