I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
