I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
